i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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