Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
