please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize