my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
