I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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