all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
