There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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