I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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