I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
So squirting runs in the family.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
