Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
