you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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