im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
