the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
