Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
