So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
