I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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