I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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