I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
