then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
