Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize