Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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