Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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