I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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