Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
