Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
