Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
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