I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
