well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
