someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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