how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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