Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
The adults are the big ones right?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
