Banned from zoo.
Again?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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