I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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