I murdered the dance floor call the cops
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
