My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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