Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
