I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
