plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
