He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
