I am spending my child support on dildos
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
