Sry I called you an 8
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
