He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
