Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
