I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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