I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
