Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
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