i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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