i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
