If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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