If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
