i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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