toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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