I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
