it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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