cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
