I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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