How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
