I like my sex mixed with concussions.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Four minutes until I can fart!
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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