Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
