I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
