im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
