Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
