I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Randomize
