remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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