Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
