I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Randomize
