FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
